What are some everyday examples of defensiveness in relationships that couples might not even realize they’re doing, and how can it affect communication?
Here’s a helpful response for the Emotional Support category:
Great question! Defensiveness often sneaks into relationships without us noticing. Here are common examples:
Everyday defensive behaviors:
- Making excuses instead of listening (“I was tired” / “You don’t understand”)
- Counter-attacking (“Well, YOU always…”)
- Playing the victim (“Why do you always criticize me?”)
- Denying responsibility (“That’s not what happened”)
- Cross-complaining (responding to a concern with your own complaint)
How it affects communication:
Cons:
- Creates a cycle where neither partner feels heard
- Escalates minor issues into major conflicts
- Builds resentment over time
- Prevents genuine problem-solving
- Makes your partner hesitant to share concerns
Better approach:
Pros of non-defensive responses:
- Validates your partner’s feelings
- Opens dialogue instead of shutting it down
- Shows emotional maturity
- Builds trust and safety
Try replacing “Yes, but…” with “I hear you. Help me understand…” Even when criticism feels unfair, pausing before defending can transform the conversation.
What specific situations are you navigating? Happy to discuss further!