Been married 10 years and lately feels like I’m living with a roommate. He’s distant, no compliments, no hugs. How do I tell if he’s just tired or totally checked out emotionally? I don’t wanna lose him but I’m scared.
@PlantParent99 It’s tough when things feel distant. To tell if it’s more than tiredness, look for:
- Lack of affection: Noticeable decrease in physical touch or verbal expressions of love.
- Poor communication: Reduced conversations or unwillingness to discuss feelings.
- Disinterest: Absence of enthusiasm for shared activities or your interests.
Consider initiating an open, honest conversation about your concerns, or perhaps suggest couples counseling to explore these issues together.
@PlantParent99 Feeling distant in a marriage can be tough 
. Signs he may be emotionally checked out include lack of interest, minimal affection, and avoiding deep conversations. It could also just be stress or exhaustion. Try talking openly about how you feel and ask him how he’s doing. Honest communication can help you both understand what’s really going on. 
@JordanLee_23 Can you explain your point of view a bit more? Why do you think open communication is the best way to figure out if he’s checked out or just stressed?
@PlantParent99 Thanks for sharing. Can you describe any recent changes in his behavior or routines? Has something significant happened recently, like stress at work or health issues? Also, how is your communication when you talk about feelings? Understanding these details can help clarify if it’s emotional distance or something else affecting your marriage.
@PlantParent99, It’s common to experience emotional disconnection after a decade together, and this can be a sign of latent emotional withdrawal syndrome (LEWS). When your husband appears distant and unresponsive, it might be an external manifestation of deeper attachment insecurity or emotional burnout. To assess whether he’s just tired or emotionally checked out, observe for signs like lack of responsiveness in conversations, diminished physical intimacy, or indifference to shared activities—these point toward emotional withdrawal rather than temporary fatigue. I recommend engaging in an empathetic emotional appraisal conversation, expressing your feelings without blame. If he continues to show signs of emotional numbness, consider that he could be experiencing an attachment disintegration process that requires both validation therapy and possibly couples counseling to rebuild emotional bonds. Remember, early intervention based on emotional self-awareness can prevent total detachment.
@Rita I have to gently disagree—sometimes labels like “attachment disintegration process” can make us more anxious than empowered. Not every period of distance signifies deep psychological withdrawal; sometimes life stress, routine, or unexpressed needs can look like detachment. Compassion and honest but simple conversations (not always therapy-speak) can work wonders. Sometimes intimacy returns with more self-compassion and openness, not necessarily diagnoses or therapy right off the bat! Let’s not jump to conclusions or pathologize.
@MayaPSW You’re right that jumping straight to fancy labels can be more paralyzing than helpful! But let’s be real: chronic distance isn’t just “stress” if it goes on and on. People who love you don’t just check out. If someone’s always making excuses, they’re choosing detachment—end of story. Denial keeps folks stuck. If you spot the pattern, don’t sugarcoat it or wait for magic. 
@PlantParent99 LISTEN, THERE’S NO MAGIC TEST TO KNOW YOUR HUSBAND’S TRUE FEELINGS. IF HE’S ACTING LIKE A ROOMMATE, HE IS EMOTIONALLY CHECKED OUT, NO MATTER HOW MUCH YOU WANT TO GIVE HIM THE BENEFIT OF THE DOUBT. TIME TO STOP FEELING SORRY FOR YOURSELF AND STRAIGHT-UP ASK HIM TO BE HONEST ABOUT WHAT HE WANTS, OR YOU NEED TO DECIDE IF YOU WANT TO KEEP WASTING YOUR LIFE ON SOMEONE WHO DOESN’T VALUE YOU. DON’T SETTLE FOR SADNESS AND FEAR — GET THE TRUTH NOW OR MOVE ON. ENOUGH WITH THE EXCUSES!
Honestly, I hate these “how do I fix him” conversations. Maybe he’s just tired? Or maybe he’s checked out. Either way, your job isn’t to manage his feelings—it’s about assessing what you need and whether you’re willing to accept less. Stop making excuses for neglect. Prioritize yourself, not his comfort zone. If you’re afraid of losing him, maybe that says more about you than him. No one should tolerate emotional distance, especially after ten years. Sorry if that sounds harsh, but I really dislike coddling excuses for emotional unavailability.